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What it's like coming out as a black man when people see it as a 'white thing'. I still remember my mum saying that to me. But I was 23 and still living at home, and I had no idea my mum had been listening through the door. I remember feeling so scared in that moment. I realised that I would have to finally tell her the truth - I was gay. Despite knowing I was gay from the age of 14, it took me almost 10 years to come out.
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They told me this in gym locker rooms, via countless unsolicited messages on Twitter, and in the chatroom of the webcam service for which I occasionally performed during my leaner years in graduate school. Although I was studying to become a cultural historian, I was too poor and too confused to give their comments much consideration. It was just what they said, and if it meant some extra money in my pocket while I sat there shirtless, so be it. But other scholars have examined such remarks, thereby illuminating a benighted piece of my past. The grand gender and sexuality theorizing of Judith Butler and Eve Kosofsky Sedgwick has long since been enriched by an intersectional type of cultural criticism, and a host of excellent case studies on different segments of the queer community have emerged in recent years. Jane Ward and C. Riley Snorton are among the experts who have researched the conjunction between heterosexual identification and same-sex intimacy.
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As a homosexual man of British-Caribbean decent, I have struggled my entire life to satisfy the expectations of the black community, while still staying true to my gay self. Growing up I often questioned my sexuality; although I recognised and accepted my attraction to men, I knew from a young age, that there would come a time when my parents would discover I was gay, and that this would be a significant and extremely difficult moment in my life. What I knew of gay culture, growing up, came from homosexual characters featured in British television sitcoms. I had nothing in common with the gay men represented in mainstream media. I think that black men especially, have always felt the need to act manly, dominant and sometimes even, aggressive.
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